Sexual Misconduct vs. Redemptive Pre-Activity

When our kids were much younger, Bonnie and I would practice a pre-activity talk with Amy and Scott prior to entering an outing or event where they might be tempted to misbehave. In essence, we talked about what we were about to do and the consequences of poor decisions. Most of the time our children made us proud! I think the pre-activity talk made the difference as they were empowered to redeem the moment and not yield to behaving badly.

Honestly, I think church leadership needs to have more pre-activity talks. I have had too many experiences hearing about, ministering to, or mediating conflict centering around leadership misconduct - specifically sexual misconduct.

The following letter comes through Don Byers, a friend and a wonderful part of the family. Don writes, "I share this unusual blog from a fallen pastor because such repentance appears to be the exception these days, rather than the norm."


Open Letter to the Elders and to _____________ Church of ________________ in the State of _______.,

One year ago today, I spoke for the last time at _________ Church. For the first time since ________, I have gone a year and have not spoken in a church, not served in a church, not volunteered in a church, and have not been asked to...just months ago, I began attending a church again (sit in the back, head down, anonymous.)

It seems like the one year mark would be a good time and place to write this letter. I am so sorry for the pain and emotional upheaval my life and actions have caused you and the precious bride of Christ.

I'm sorry for the deceptions, the irresponsibility, and the sin of adultery that came from my life and infected others. I assume full responsibility for my actions with no excuses and no rationalizations.

As you can also attest, this has been the hardest two years of my life, with this past year especially crushing. With the help of our Lord, a dear Christian counselor, some medication, and a few close people in my life, I am seeing light at the end of a self-inflicted tunnel.

This is not the life path I would have chosen for myself or dear family...no one wakes up and decides, "Today I will destroy my life and do harm to those around me." This path was a gradual one with many calls from God to stop, which I did not heed. HE was faithful. I was not.

The Bible says that when sin is fully formed, it yields death. So much has died in and around my life. What I cling to these days is the belief that God specializes in resurrections. He brings life to places there was once death.

_______________ Church, I loved you; and in many ways, served you well. My legacy, however, is one of failure and sin. I can't undo that.

I can only walk with Christ in authenticity--no longer hiding imperfections and failures, but living truthfully--honestly and with integrity (inside and outside matching). Will you see sin in my life? Yes. Am I striving to grow in Christ? Yes.

What I MUST do is offer this public confession, my sincere apology and my heartfelt request for your forgiveness.

With Sorrow...and yet with hope,

(signed) ________________

Pre-Activity Questions: If you had an affair, how would would you write this letter? How would you fill in the blanks?

As I read the letter, I could not help but think of an activity that Dr. James Cecy uses in his profoundly sobering conference on sexual purity, Ambassadors of Purity. This is one of the best conferences I have ever attended. Dr. Cecy does an excellent job communicating the harsh reality of sexual misconduct. He says, "If you decide to have a sexual affair, you better make sure it is the best sex you have ever had . . . because it will cost you the most."

To drive this point home, he uses a pre-activity to bring the notion of falleness to reality. He invites the attendees to ponder the devastating results of immorality. Dr. Cecy asks everyone to do the following assignment using names and stating specifics, "If you were caught in the act of sexual immorality, what would be the effect on your relationship with your Lord? Your family? Your spouse? Your church? The community at large? How might it hurt you physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially and economically?" Then he asks, "Considering all the consequences, is it really worth it?"

Thoughtful pre-activities can redeem us from the post-activity's devastating results and brokenness. Pre-activity can create the blessedness and wholeness of no-activity.

Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

Redeeming a Past of Dirty Laundry

Eric, a name I give all of my former juvenile offenders, wrote the following essay in his Junior College English 1A class. He wrote about coming to a point of reconciliation with his people - his ethnic group. He came to accept and redeem who he was and to whom he belonged. Eric moves us from resentment to love, from brokenness to wholeness, from shame to strength, from little to abundance. Here is Eric in his own words, used with his permission - his essay, "All I Have."

A few weeks ago, I went on a mission trip to Tijuana, Mexico. I stayed with a pastor named Robert and his family for five days. It was difficult being next to Pastor Robert 24/7. We had to wake up every morning by four in order to be at the church by five so we could have a time of prayer, bible study, and fellowship before the workday started. We visited families throughout the day to pray for them, rehearse dramas, and watch over the men that stayed in the men’s home.

I do not know why I had a desire to go to Tijuana. I did not know Pastor Robert or his family very well. I didn’t think there was anything for me to see, learn, or even care about in Tijuana. It seemed as if I had a calling to go. The opportunity to go down there without paying a penny came and I took it, thinking I was in for a free ride. Little did I know it was going to be a life changing ride.

Even though I am Mexican myself, I used to have a lot of resentment towards Mexicans because I had so many bad examples in my life. I thank God for my mother, even though she kept the “Mexican tradition” and had me when she was fifteen years old. I knew it was not normal for me to talk to my father through a glass window. I also knew it was bad when I was four years old and raped by a Mexican farm worker. I didn’t fully understand what it all meant at the time and I am still trying to make sense of everything till this day.

The troubles I went through and the things I saw when I was growing up sparked a flame of shame within me. That flame is what influenced me to be ashamed of my name, to look down on my people, and to forget where I came from. There were many times I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. My mother always tried her best to encourage me to press forward, be strong, and not look back. That was something difficult for me to do when I looked in the mirror every morning. It was harder going to sleep at night with the nightmares.

When I was in Tijuana, we visited a mother of five and a grandmother of many. Her house was very small; it had concrete floors and walls, only one room, and her bed was in the same room as the kitchen. There was no air conditioning besides the windows to open when it got too hot or blankets she had when it got too cold. You can hear the rain fall on the tin roof and pray to God the chair didn’t break when you sat on it. I knew she did not have much even for herself.

She was cooking when Pastor Robert and I got there. My mouth became very watery when the smell of chicken tamales and barbacoa hit my nose. She offered me a plate of her freshly cooked food.

“What do you have to drink?”

“Coca-Cola, agua, or horchata.” She replied.

I figured since I was in Mexico I’d take the horchata.

“Do you have any napkins?” I asked.

She looked around and reached into a clean basket of clothing, tore up a shirt, and handed it to me.

“This is all I have,” she said with a comforting smile on her face.

She didn’t even know my name, she didn’t know if she would ever see me again, and she was still willing to give me what she had even if it was the shirt off her back. I never knew so much love could come from something so little, I never knew so much love could come from my own people. Now I understand what “Mi casa, su casa,” means. Now I know and embrace where I am from.

I am reminded of a song written by Keith Green, Your Love Broke Through. Here are some of the lyrics:

All my life I've been searching for that crazy missing part,
And with one touch, you just rolled away the stone that held my heart,
And now I see that the answer was as easy, as just asking you in,
And I am so sure I could never doubt your gentle touch again,
It's like the power of the wind.
Like waking up from the longest dream, how real it seemed,
until your love broke through,
I've been lost in a fantasy, that blinded me,
Until your love, until your love, broke through.

Thank you God for breaking through Eric's brokenness with the power of your love! You took him from his dirty laundry to a basket of abundant love.

You have four ways to do this . . .

and only four . . . . . .

1. Escalation
2. Arbitration
3. Mediation
4. Invitation


So, you have a conflict.

What are you going to do? The good news is that you have four options. Dr. Ron Claassen, professor at Fresno Pacific University, offers an explicit illustration of these four options. I have taken some liberty to adapt his model as illustrated above.

I use this as a decision tool in most mediation settings. I ask, "Which one do you want to do? I can probably help you with two of them."

Every conflict has four response options:

Escalation: One party can simply overpower the other party. One party will make the decision. Examples: The party with power (indicated by being inside the circle) uses power to get their way. This party could be a policeman, a soldier, a criminal with a gun, or the bully on the playground, or even the party with the majority vote. This party could be a person who rescues another person even against their will. (If my granddaughter was playing in a street and a truck was coming toward her, I would use my power as an adult to physically remove her from the street even at the risk of her not understanding, hating me, protesting, or even fighting me as I try to help her.) This party could also be someone who chooses to use their power to leave another party, group or organization; or to withhold financial support, such as, child support or even church tithes. This party could also be the one to withhold emotional involvement or love, including avoiding or being evasive, giving the cold shoulder or quiet treatment.

However, on a de-escalation note, this party could also be the one to tolerate or even overlook an offense (Proverbs 12:16, 16:32, and 19:11. ) with the intent to never bring it up, in essence, to love, to extend grace, to forgive, and to never hold the offense against the other party. Hmmm, the power to love, accept, forgive, honor, respect . . .

Arbitration: When parties cannot agree, an outside party can be empowered to bring resolution and to make the final decision. Hence, the "X" is in the circle. Examples: X is the party with the power to resolve the conflict. This party may be a judge, jury, or arbitrator. X could be any authority figure with the positional power to make decisions, direct and lead others. Such as: a teacher, a store manager, a coach, a counselor, or advisor. X could be an outside authority that is not necessarily a person. Such as, the dictionary when playing the game of Scrabble - the dictionary decides the correct way to spell a word. X could be the traffic signal - the signal decides who will stop and who will go. X could be a coin as in head-or-tails - the coin decides who is right or who is wrong, or who will receive and who will kick the football. X could be who or what you go to for advice or direction when you are stuck, such as, a trusted friend, "The Golden Rule," God in prayer, or the Holy Bible.

Mediation: When parties cannot agree, an outside party can serve as a mediator to help all the participants (stake holders) to be empowered to experience resolution and to make a joint/mutual decision in a collaborative way. (Note: everyone is in the circle except the mediator, i.e. "X"!) Examples: facilitator, a discussion leader, listener, counselor, “go-between,” observer, peacemaker, negotiator, interventionist, or a parent.

Invitation: All parties are constructive and naturally invite and receive each other into a process of reconciliation without outside help. Examples: One party taking the initiative to invite another party into a time of discussion about a disagreement or offense. And in response the party being invited accepts the invitation. If the issue is an offense, the party doing the invitation can be the author or receiver of the offense. The invitation has a sense of urgency about it. Resolution is sought quickly and timely. The invitation is based on love, care, or value placed on the other parties or at the very least a willingness to be constructive.

You can be sure you will use one if not all of these options when responding to your conflict.

Which ones are the most redemptive? Actually, they could all be used in a redemptive way if your intent is to be respectful, reasonable, and restorative. Escalation can bring redemptive value. Certainly, Jesus taught a process of escalation when teaching about how to minister to an offender. But the process was always to bring that person to a point of listening and ultimately redemption and change. Jesus taught us to "go" - to make invitation our first choice whether we are the author of the offense (Matthew 5:23-24) or the receiver of the offense as seen in Matthew 18:15-20. Jesus taught us to escalate if the other party was not listening.

Even so, the escalation that Jesus taught was mild compared to how we escalate. I am always cautious about giving any type of approval to escalation, simply, because it is our nature to go there first as a powerful option/weapon. I am reminded of a time when I taught on Matthew 18 and the mandate to go to the other party and to invite them into a process of reconciliation. From my "teaching," an individual thought it appropriate to go and tell-off the other party - immediately after church! Yes, he did escalate the conflict but not for redemptive purposes.

There is so much more that could be said about these options. If you have a question or comment, please send me an email at tony@newpathcenter.org.

(c) Copyrighted 2008, Tony Redfern, All Rights Reserved Worldwide

VORP: A Story of Redemption

Eric had big career plans but his involvement in a crime undermined his chances of obtaining his goal and a brighter future. He was now faced with a criminal record. It seemed like a minor act of retaliation “because a friend asked.” But a few minutes of "drive-by-paintball" vandalism resulted in a felony with long-term consequences. Eric’s future was unclear and certainly bleak.

I am always moved by the stories I experience while doing mediation work with the community & faith-based Victim Offender Reconciliation Program (VORP). I have been a volunteer VORP mediator since 1992. Serving as a VORP mediator has been both worthwhile and inspirational. It is some of the most important work that I could do for my community as I see the redemptive message of Jesus Christ come to life.

While I have had the privilege of helping a number of juvenile offenders, Eric (not his real name) comes to mind most certainly as a person with a story of redemption due in part because of VORP. Eric’s story consists of many events that contributed to his transformation journey. However, I am pleased to share that a VORP mediation was one of those events that helped him on his journey of character development.

The Fresno County Probation Department referred Eric’s case to VORP. VORP assigned the case to me. I met with Eric to explain how VORP could help with his situation. I told him that if he wanted to cooperate with the VORP program, he would be given an opportunity to make things as right as possible with his victims.

While I could not guarantee that a judge would be any easier on him because of VORP, I did tell Eric that if he cooperated and worked on a constructive resolution to his offense, the VORP program might be beneficial for him at his court time. He would still have to pay his fines, do his community service, finish his classes, and do all the justice system required of him. I could not change any of that for him. I could only offer a program that might help him, his victims, and his community to heal from the offense.

Right from the start, Eric was a willing participant in the VORP mediation process. He arrived on time and constructively added to the success of the mediation as we met with his victims. He also quickly fulfilled his VORP agreement with his victims. In fact, Eric went above and beyond what was expected of him in making things as right as possible. He did practical jobs for the victims, expressed apology, regret, embarrassment, self-assessment, and remorse in addition to being the author of a generous restitution amount. He also paid the restitution in full and sooner than agreed.

The victims’ willingness to participate in this redemptive story is another wonderful feature of Eric’s journey. The victims gained not just payment for damages done, but they also gained an opportunity to become agents of change. Eric was impressed with their “big hearts” toward him, their kindness, and their openness to include him in their community once again. He said their words were healing, but what made the difference was their redeeming actions toward him. I can’t go into detail on their exact actions, but it was a huge step toward healing.

The day before his scheduled court appointment, Eric asked if I would write a letter to the judge outlining all that he had completed with the VORP program. I gladly wrote the letter. Eric said as he stood before the judge all he held in his hands was his VORP letter. He gave the letter to the bailiff, the bailiff gave the letter to the judge, the judge read the letter, and the judge looked down over his glasses at Eric. “Have you learned your lesson,” the judge asked. “Yes,” Eric replied. “Charges dismissed,” said the judge.

Dismissed? What did this mean? It meant that Eric would not have this felony on his record. In essence the judge had forgiven him and, thus, no longer held the offense against him. Eric’s future all of a sudden became clear and bright.

Today, Eric is not only enjoying a brighter future but he is also growing in his faith, attending both church and a young-adult Bible study, planning on going on a mission trip, and learning to choose better friends.

This is Eric’s redemptive story which continues to this day toward a brighter future.

Bonnie, Bodie, BJ, Babe, Mrs. Redfern, My Crown: We broke the cycle!

If I spent the rest of my life looking for someone of more gracious character than you, I would be looking over the greatest treasure that exists, right now, in my own household.

You see, what I have right now is complete and full - for you bring good into all of my life – with all of your life.

Your selfless practical giving is hugely evident. You are an enthusiastic hard worker, bountifully resourceful, committed, and generous.

You are not only industrious but you are also money-wise; taking great responsibility with what God has entrusted to us. You possess both integrity and justice. You wisely plan ahead to head off trouble for the household. And yet, your eyes and ears are ever directed to the poor, needy, and oppressed.

When troubles come, you have already prepared us to meet the challenge by providing comfort, care, and provision.

Because of who you are, I am well respected in our community. I am proud to be known as, “Mrs. Redfern’s husband!”

You are clothed with strength and dignity which gives you a great perspective on life and an ability to meet any adversity.

Your wisdom and advice are sought after and esteemed.

Your passion is to take good care of your family.

Yes, we all rise and call you blessed. I honor you with much love. I stand and say, “Wow! What a woman, what a wife – my wife!”

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”

Bonnie, you are my crown! It is such a pleasure to honor you this day and every day! Thank you for a great love story!

All my love, Tony

PS: Some might be asking, "What cycle?" In my previous blog I mentioned that I am one of five siblings. With one brother, I share my mother; with another brother and a sister, I share my father; and with Marshall, I share my mother and my father. Bonnie and I have experienced redemption! We broke the cycle!

"And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead." - Hebrews 11:4b

I am one of five, four brothers and one sister. Here's a picture of three of the brothers. Yes, I am the little guy sitting on the crossbar of my oldest brother's bike.  Jerry was thoughtful enough to provide me with a blanket to sit on. It was probably my na-na.

None-the-less, I want to talk about Marshall, the brother in the forefront. Marshall is a very important person to me. Marshall led me to my first concepts of God and in a way . . . he led me to Jesus when I was seven years old. That doesn't sound too strange until I tell that Marshall died when I was just under two years of age. He was almost five when he died. Yes, I did say he led me to Jesus when I was seven.

You see, through the years, I visited Marshall's grave many times with my bereaved mother. One time I started asking myself questions about eternity. Where was Marshall? And the bigger question for a seven year old - Where will I be when I die? Talk about coming face to face with death.

I grew up in a house of grief and I seem to understand the verse that says, "The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure." Was I wise at such a young age? I don't know, but I am thankful for the questions I struggled with at my brother's graveside. Why? Because the redemptive value in my brother's death was the very fact that through my brother my heart was touched in such a way that made me ask the hard questions.  The answers would change my life forever. Was death the end?

Thank God my mother took me to church. One day my Sunday School teacher (Thank God for SS teachers!) told the class of boys about Jesus and eternal life. This was the information that I was looking for - talk about good news. This was the gospel! God's gospel for me! This is what Marshall was showing me. You see, he led me to this point as the destination of all those countless times I visited his grave and stared down at his grave marker with so many deep questions. Marshall, though he was dead, spoke to my heart and led me to my Savior and Lord.

Is there redemptive value in the death of a child? I have to say yes. God works with us in all situations to bring good - even in a situation like Marshall's.

Oh, my dear brother, I had to say goodbye before I even said hello! Marshall, how sweet the reunion will be!

Forgiveness in Action in Kingsburg

I enjoy being a part of a wonderful ministerial fellowship in Kingsburg. As a result of participating with this group of ministers, I have benefited greatly by becoming friends with pastors from various denominations. One such friendship is with the local priest, Father Greg Beaumont. He has written the following article which tells a gripping redemptive story about a juvenile offender and forgiveness. The article was first published in a recent Central California Catholic Life newspaper. Here is the article in full, in his own words, reprinted with his permission:

It was a sad and disheartening day back in early December, when we discovered that the monstrance (empty), a thurible for burning incense from Jerusalem, a chasuble (priest's vestment), three alter servers robes, an empty velvet collection bag and the small cross from the Tabernacle - valued $7000 were gone. Much greater value, of course, was the sacredness of these things we use for worship here at the Holy Family church in Kingsburg. This was the first of a string of robberies, in five churches in Kingsburg.

Later, a 16 year-old was arrested and the stolen items recovered and the people in the town were angry and upset. In February, I talked with the youth in juvenile hall. He told me how difficult it was to be there for over a year. "I was not a thief, but in a weak and foolish moment agreed to hide the items stolen by some 'friends' involved with drugs."

I expressed the forgiveness of everyone at my church, and how we are prepared to help him. He was surprised and confused because, he felt he didn't deserve any kindness. I give thanks for this very special grace-filled opportunity. It is the infinite love and mercy that Jesus shows us on the cross, that inspires us to treat others with kindness and patience and mercy even when they offend us and hurt us.

I shared with him the story of Jesus how he was arrested, and treated as a criminal, and the story of St. Maximilian Kolbe, who used his prison time to reach out to others with kindness and to help them. He could make his jail stay more bearable by being kind to other young prisoners and to the correctional officers. He said the he was profoundly sorry for the theft, and together we bowed our heads and prayed.

For anyone who has been hurt, offended, victimized, abused, robbed or betrayed, cheated on, overlooked, neglected or put down, there is a road that leads to healing and peace. It is the road to Calvary, to the Son of Man who in response to scourging, blows and spit in this face, insults and lies, mockery and crowning with thorns, and with nails driven into this hands and feet, made the effort to say, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."


What is interesting is I tried to become involved with this case as a VORP mediator. But sadly I could not gain parental consent. Even so, it is just like God to provide another means to bring redemptive value to a dark situation. Thank you Father Greg for being an instrument of God's peace!

Hope that Redeems!

Bonnie and I went to Israel about a year after Scott died. Our most meaningful experience was our visit to the Garden Tomb in Jerusalem. I never realized just how much we would be impacted by that spot.

Before we left for the trip, I asked God to show me hope while I was in Israel. God gave me a theme verse for the tour: Hebrews 6: 19, “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”

As an answer to my prayer, God showed me hope.

When we were at the Garden Tomb site, an older English gentleman gave us a tour. He lectured on the significance of certain artifacts in the area of the tomb. As we listened, our small group of friends stood in front of Jesus' empty tomb carved out of rock.

The Englishman told us, “While we cannot know for certain that the Garden Tomb was in fact the very tomb where Jesus was buried, we have found many Jewish and Christian symbols in the area.” He turned our attention to the outside wall of the tomb and started to trace a carving with his finger and said, “For instance, carved in this wall is an early Christian symbol of an . . . anchor.”

I don’t think I heard anything else he said. There was the answer to my prayer! God showed me a symbol of hope – an anchor carved into the side of the tomb of Jesus. This was my symbol of hope. The tomb is empty! Death is not the end! There is hope in Jesus Christ and His empty tomb proves it. This is my anchor of hope!

Searching for a redemptive moment . . .

"Children's children are a crown to the aged,

and parents are the pride of their children."

Proverbs 17:6

Searching for a redemptive moment is a precious and yet seemingly a futile activity when looking at my 88 year-old mother's health fading away. Even so, with eighty years between them, this picture of my now frequently-dozing mother with her loving great granddaughter, Kaitlyn, captures one of those moments. When confronted with the reality of pending death, it is good to remember there are moments to celebrate, meaningful memories to make, hurts that can be healed, and a great sense of God's grace. It is good to trust in Christ - and where else would we go?

"Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.

We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."

John 6:68

Heaving Around

A wonderful print hangs in my office. The painting is titled "Heaving Around." Maritime artist, Marek Sarba, captures a difficult maneuver in a stormy seascape. The painting "depicts the Saint Andre being made fast to the towing bit of the steam tug ADLER, a maneuver that poses great danger to crewmen and vessels in heavy seas." The disabled freighter is literally being pulled by the tug so it can gain a more favorable position to weather the storm. Without this maneuver, the ship would be doomed.

As a mediator, I believe the painting is a metaphor for those constructive but critical moments during a mediation when one can see the interactions of the participants move in a redemptive way. Even in the worst emotional storms, I really believe when those heaving-around moments come, God is present. Time and time again, I have seen the heaving-around moment come in the form of a much needed and sincere apology.

Here's what a heaving-around moment sounds like, "I hurt you. I am so sorry. I want to make sure this never happens again. So, this is how I will promise to change . . ."

That's the kind of apology that will help any relationship to weather the storms of conflict.

More on the art of Apology

More on the painting Heaving Around

More on the artist Marek Sarba

Beagle Is Numero Uno at Westminster

Beagles are redeemed at last! 100 years of oppression finally ends! Long live Uno! Long live Snoopy! Miss Maggie of Kingsburg is smiling!

Sunset Forgiveness

(Scott full of life!)

Today is February 4th. This date remains one of the most important redemptive days in our family’s life.

February 4, 1996, a Sunday, to be exact. Amy was away at Biola University, beginning the second semester of her freshman year. Scott, a sophomore at Immanuel High School in Reedley, was not having a good morning. He argued with his mom all the way to church. He was relentlessly unapologetic about wanting his own way on some issue – neither Bonnie nor I can remember the issue, but we do remember the argument well.

As we arrived at church, Bonnie stayed in the car with Scott, hoping to reach a point of reconciliation. It was to no avail. Scott was determined to remain angry and eventually left the car in a huff.

We remember how troubled we felt as we sat through church, knowing all the while the lack of unity in our family that morning. We went to the New Life class (I taught the class at the time) and again this burden for reconciliation weighed heavy on us.

Following the class, Scott came down stairs to meet me, as he often did at the end of our time at church. I reminded Scott how "vitally important" it was to make things right with his mother - today, now, immediately. Scott stated that he knew he was wrong and he would talk with her as soon as we left the building.

Scott did make things right. He apologized for his anger. He asked Bonnie to forgive him, and she did. We went on to have a great day together, fellowshipping with one another, enjoying laughs and talking about the plans we had for the coming week.

The next day, February 5th, at 11:26 am, God called Scott home. At 11:36 am - I was paged as I pulled off northbound Hwy 99, Floral Ave., Selma, California, 1996 in the year of our Lord. I called my office. My co-worker said, "Your son has been hurt in an accident." Time and space stood still that day. As the events unfolded, a horrifying dread came over me.

Scott was involved in a fatal accident in his woodshop class. Although he was placed on life support, he was declared brain dead on Tuesday, February 6th. We said goodbye, this side of eternity, to our precious son, Scott, at the age of 16 years old.

Why then, is February 4th, such an important redemptive day to our family? None of us knew it would be the last full day with Scott. None of us knew

This is for why - why we take care of today's conflict today. May your sunsets always include the vivid colors of forgiveness.

Nouwen, Edison, and John the Baptist (JTB)

Henri J.M. Nouwen in this book, The Wounded Healer, offers insights on a life well spent even in light of brokenness. I took liberty to adapt some of his thoughts into this blog. I have to keep asking the larger faith community to image what we could do together as we not only bear one another's burdens but also the brokenness of our community.



But before I offer Nouwen's thoughts, let me also write about what Thomas Edison said. One of my favorite Edison quotes is,

"If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves."



As Christ followers, I wonder why we feel so incapable of addressing the brokenness around us? You see, in Christ, we are extremely capable and we should be astounded! I love how JTB introduced Jesus - "the one more powerful than I." Jesus is the one more powerful that I and yet Jesus, the Living Christ by his Spirit, is in me making me more powerful than I could ever imagine! But power for what purpose?

Now Nouwen. What if our life purpose was to recognize the brokenness and oppression of our time, in our own heart, and make that heart-felt recognition the starting point of our work and ministry? Realistically, our work will not be perceived as authentic unless it comes from a heart wounded by the brokenness and oppression about which we speak. Therefore, we will have to make our own wounds available as a source of healing. For one person needs another to live. Therefore the deeper we are willing to enter into the painful condition which we and others know, the more likely it is that we can be leaders, leading people out of the desert into the promised land.

Let us say to others, “I will not let you go. I am going to be here tomorrow waiting for you. I expect you not to disappoint me for we will travel together. We are not alone. We are not unloved.”

Thankfully, we are redeemed to be redemptive.

Redemptive Ricochet

In a Perspectives class, Brian Hogan, former missionary to Mongolia, finished his heartbreaking story of losing his precious baby boy on the mission field. Amazingly, he spoke of the redemptive value of such a loss. The redemptive value of his son's death was that a breakthrough in his ministry came about. Brian and his wife, by being living parables, showed the people of the small village how to grieve with hope of which the village people had no concept. Grieving with hope was good news to a people who had no hope in the face of death.

I spoke to Brian after the class and purchased his book, There's a Sheep in My Bathtub. (Yes, many sheep in Mongolia.) I introduced myself and told him that I was also a bereaved father. He took the book and wrote in it: "Compensation is coming. Nothing will be forgotten." He then signed his name.

He did not explain what he wrote he merely handed the book back to me. As I pondered his two thoughts I could not help but link the statements to Scripture.

"Compensation is coming": Matthew 19:29, "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life."

"Nothing will be forgotten": Hebrews 6:10, "God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them."

Ah yes, "Praise be to the God and Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

Seeing the redemptive value in loss is a huge blessing that keeps pouring out into the lives of other broken people. It truly is a redemptive ricochet reverberating into infinity as we encourage others who encourage others . . . who encourage others! Spread the words of comfort. Let them ricochet into and off the hearts of others.

The Christmas Redemptive Love Story

The essence of the Christmas redemptive love story is not difficult to find. These are the words of Christ speaking of himself. "For God so loved the world that he gave . . ." You see, love initiates. Love takes action. God gave his son, a babe born in Bethlehem who 33 years later died on a Cross, "his one and only Son." Why? "that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." Love redeems what was lost . . . our life-lost to our life-eternal.

However, a redemptive love involves sacrifice - and Jesus takes us to a higher level of sacrificial giving for the sake of a redemptive love. Jesus taught, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Certainly, at the cross Jesus practiced what he preached. But he also taught us to love our enemies. Would we lay down our life for an enemy? Amazingly, Jesus died for his enemies and not just his friends. Sounds treasonous, doesn't it? Talk about aiding the enemy! But that is exactly what he did.

In fact, Jesus went against the popular thought of his time. "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies . . ." Christmas, when God invaded our world, and the Cross, when love was demonstrated, prove that God loves his enemies.

And guess what? We are his enemies! "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. [That's us along with the worst the world holds in contempt!]

[Now check this out.] Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. [Yes, it could happen. But now look . . .] But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!

For if, [here it is . . .] when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!

[But wait, there is more . . .] Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."

The greatest redemptive love story ever told was when someone died for his enemy. What a rare story that is . . . but Jesus did exactly that on the cross. The greatest love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his enemies. Merry Christmas!

The Most Important Redemptive Number

Since the year 2000, Bonnie and I have helped thousands of people deal with or prepare for unresolved conflict or unreconciled loss. I am grateful for the effective ministry of NPC. Even so, after numbering of all the different people with whom we have walked, I am convinced the most important number is the number one, i.e one person. First, here are all the number "ones" since 2000:

Grief/Pastoral Counseling or Coaching: Over 70 people helped.

Community Mediations or Facilitations: Over 80 people served.

Family, Marriage, Workplace, or Business Mediations: Over 95 people served.

Church Mediations or Facilitations: Over 200 people served directly and over 2700 served indirectly working with 18 different churches in the states of Washington, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and throughout Northern California.

Trainings, Conferences, Workshops, and Retreats in conflict resolution or grief caregiving: Certainly hundreds if not thousands of people equipped to be better prepared to constructively deal with conflict, grief and brokenness.

Overseas teaching/missions trips: Twice to Democratic Republic of Congo and five trips to the Philippines teaching at churches, Bible schools, and seminaries.

Coordinated ministry efforts: 17 other ministries or agencies.

Church-based VORP mediation centers: Gratefully, 8 working for Restorative Justice.

The Redemptive City Project: Many small steps and little doses.

But back to the number one. Eric (not his real name), several months ago at a stalled mediation meeting with his family, left the meeting very angry and filled with hate. That one day he told his mother, "I hate you!" And he told me, "I will not come back here!" That was one very sad day. But another day came. This one day was different when he came to visit in my office. His heart was softer and he was more teachable. Eric was at a point of redemptive change. What a day! Eric is a very important one as all of the "ones" are with whom we have had the redemptive opportunity to serve.

Remember the 99 and the one! Remember God's mercies are new every day! Remember the redeemed Erics! What an awesome ministry to be able to take back what belongs to God. That is what the ministry of reconciliation is all about. And God gave this ministry to the church!

Let's go rob the house of darkness for just one more, and then another one. Agree?

Redemptive Detour

Sometimes healing comes in other forms than what we intended. Sometimes redemption is redirected. A while ago, a new mediator called me to share the details of his first completed case. His enthusiasm was evident as he took me through his steps of working with a juvenile offender and the victim of the offender’s crime. While the mediation did not have all the elements of being “completed,” there was a different type of healing taking place. The more difficult task for the new mediator was not dealing with the offender and the victim as much as it was dealing with the tension between the juvenile and his parents. This tension made the mediation difficult. Even so, the mediation proved to be a turning point for the family. After the mediation came to an end, the father of the juvenile privately asked the mediator if he knew of a resource that would help them become better parents. This is a great example of how mediation becomes not just a time for problem-solving but an opportunity for redemptive transformation. By the way, the mediator is a member of a faith-community and, of course, has connections to resources!

Webinar

Let's talk about the wonderful man with the hat. Web is ninety-five, greets everyone on Sunday mornings at church, quotes, by memory, tons of Bible verses, passages and even whole books of the Bible, always a smile, always an encouragement, always a good word, always a blessing to me. He is an amazing man. I told Web, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you." He said, "Oh, so you want to be old?" Yes, he's old but he has a young soul - a very young soul. He is the youngest old man that I know. What do I mean by young - young and foolish? Hardly.

Perhaps, the late Keith Green gives us insight in His song, "My Eyes Are Dry."

My eyes are dry, my faith is old,
My heart is hard, my prayers are cold,
And I know how I ought to be,
Alive to you, and dead to me.

Oh what can be done, for an old heart like mine,
Soften it up, with oil and wine.
The oil is You, Your Spirit of love,
Please wash me anew, in the wine of Your blood.

You see, Web has a soft heart - a product of God's Spirit and redemption.

And I do want to be like Web. By God's very Spirit, Web has been blessed to redeem his youth, his soft heart, even at his ripe old age. Every time I see Web, I experience a webinar. I keep learning from him. He has captured my deepest respect. I can only hope for a "toninar" someday that demonstrates a person with a young soul - just like Web.

By-the-way, the guy without the hat is another special person - the father of all my grandchildren! (Hey, look, he's enjoying a Webinar!)

A period placed. before the end of a sentence

Someone once said, "The death of a child is like a period placed before the end of a sentence." I have sat with a number of parents who know what this means. I am also counted among those who mourn over the loss of a precious child.

Scott was born on November 23rd . . . on a Friday . . . just like today. Bonnie went into labor on Thanksgiving day . . . just like yesterday. Today Scott would have turned 28 years old. But the period came too soon. The sentence was assumed to go on. But it stopped shortly after birthday number sixteen.

How does one find redemptive value in the death of a child? My only hope is to be profoundly transformed in my soul; to be shaped by my child's life and death but yet not be totally defined by it. The death of a child is not to be wasted. That would be a double tragedy.

As I remember Scott today, I also remember Mindy, Claire, Oaks, Maci Jane, Anthony, Louie, Alyssa, and Kade. The last fourteen months have been very hard on our community. May God redemptively bless the families of those with periods placed. before the end of their sentence

A Redemptive Laugh

“We cried like beavers,” the young boy responded when I asked what he and his mother did when they visited his daddy’s grave site. Admittedly, I was perplexed by his answer.

So, I looked to his mother for some help. She explained that as they stood together looking down at her husband’s and his father’s headstone, her son asked, “Why are we crying so much?” She told him, “We are crying because we are bereaved.”

Oh, thank God for the humor and grace only little children can bring to tragic losses. True, sometimes we just have to “cry like beavers” as we face the reality of losing a precious loved one.