Love That Does Not Disappoint

Yesterday I read a

tip

on how to reduce stress in my life.

Don't believe for a minute . . . you'll get the number of servings the recipe says you will . . . you can perform a complex computer task with a single click of the mouse . . . your call is important to them . . . the "push here on red" button will get you across the street any faster . . . you're indispensable to your company . . . your cake will look anything like the one illustrated on the box . . . the battery will last anywhere near what they claim. Get smart. Lower your expectations.

That's right! I can

reduce my stress

in life if I don't believe the claims, think of myself as dispensable, lower my

expectations

, and basically, just

plan to be disappointed

!

Know what? I am not only

stressed

by that tip-of-the-day, I am

disappointed!

Lower my expectations? Settle for less?

Don't take me wrong. I know I can’t believe all of the claims I hear.  I agree there are times when I do trust them and find myself stressed. Like when I spend two hours assembling something that clearly states on the box can be assembled in

five easy steps

.

I began thinking about Valentine's Day in light of this stress-reducing tip. Many people have high expectations of how they will feel loved today. Many have a little jingle playing in their heads ~

every kiss begins with Kay

~ and dream of a small velvet box filled with something that sparkles! Many envision how the events of the day will fall into place to create the ultimate romantic evening. And, I predict, many will be stressed out if their valentines do not live up to their hopes and expectations.

Today

my valentine

is not feeling so good. In fact,

my valentine

is asleep on the couch hoping the combination of decongestants, antihistamines and cough suppressants work its

mojo

to help him feel better.

The sight of

my valentine

lying there in his sweats could be cause for disappointment. I mean ~ nobody is receiving breakfast in bed this morning and there won't be much hugging and kissing going on. It is just not going to be that kind of day!

When we base our view of love on what the world claims, we are in for disappointment!

I am thankful that there is a love that

does not disappoint

; not based on circumstances or the actions of others. A love that is as much an act of the will as it is a response of the heart . . . that seeks the highest good of another . . . with claims that are trustworthy and believable. It is a love that

transforms

circumstances that seeks to disappoint.

Love is patient; love is kind and is not jealous;

Love does not brag and is not arrogant,

Does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own,

Is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

Does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I Corinthians 13:4-7

Here is a new

tip-for-the-day

for Valentine’s Day ~

Don't believe in what the world calls love . . . you will get what you deserve . . . it is all about you . . . love comes in small velvet boxes . . . it is alright if he yells at you ~ at least he comes home at night . . . she better look great . . . if it doesn’t feel right, find someone new . . . Get smart. Raise your expectations.

Decide today to embrace

a love that does not disappoint . . . 

and expect your relationship to be transformed.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

 
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not ~ perhaps you recited these words as you pulled the petals from a flower, one by one, to try to determine whether the one you love will truly returns your love. It always seemed like a childhood game.

But more and more it seems that marriages reflect the sentiment of those words.

On this Valentine's Day Eve, husbands and wives will stand in the aisles of Walgreen's to find a card that expresses the words they meant to say to one another throughout the year. There will be dozens of roses delivered. The sweet smell of chocolate will fill the air. And couples will say I love you in the glow of candlelight.

I don't mean to sound cynical, but on Monday, February 15th, lives will once again be overflowing with the demands of the dailies ~ dirty dishes, unpaid bills, loads of laundry, sick children, upside down mortgages, furlough days, dead batteries ~ you name it! ~ any number of situations that create a climate of crisis for the family. The romance of Valentine's Day will quickly be replaced with the challenging day-to-day responsibilities of life, and a commitment to love one another will once again fall victim to circumstances.

Lack of commitment is not new. It is not unique to this generation of over-stressed, economically-strapped Americans.  Even in the first century, a series of oaths were required to guarantee that one’s commitment would remain true. Jesus enters this system of oaths and offers a solution.

In Matthew 5, His words seem almost too simple to be taken seriously ~

Let what you say be simply Yes or No.

The people of that day would recognize Jesus' use of a cultural idiom. Jesus is basically saying ~

Let your inside Yes match your outside Yes, 

and your inner No match your outer No.

In essence ~ mean what you say and say what you mean.

Anything less is duplicity, doubleness, sin ~ saying one thing, living another.

Oh that we would choose today to be transformed and live a life of love that is characterized by commitment, not duplicity ~ where the words and tones we use, and the actions we display, would truly communicate an unconditional love. A love lived out everyday ~ not just on Valentine's Day.

A love that says to one another in spite of the dailies . . .

I love you and there is nothing you can do about it!

Wet Cement

I was working with wet cement again today. Yep.

And it's not the first time I have worked with this material. I've been in the

business

for 32 years, to be exact.

The trouble I find working with cement is the potential for it to harden into something I never intended it to become. Sure, I have the mold in mind, but sometimes I just get caught up in accomplishing the job that I forget about what I hoped I would create. Try as I will to control all the elements, I usually find myself trying to smooth out the deep impressions I hope do not leave a permanent mark. But I have learned that most of my mistakes are ~ as they say ~

set in concrete

.

Now, before you decide that you would never,

ever

allow me to lay concrete for your patio, let me explain.

Today I hired my three grandchildren to help me stuff, stamp and address my Christmas cards. We send out almost 200 cards each year and many hands make the work light!

Kaitlyn has assisted me with this project for the past few years. At 9 ½ years old, she can

nearly

do it all! Kyle is almost 8 years old. He is eager to help but needs a predictable task to keep up his confidence. And then there is Jack! He is 5 ½ years old and full of energy. He

thinks

he can do it all, but in reality, he requires something that cannot be ruined by bouts of impulsivity.

(I think I said that diplomatically, don’t you?)

We really had fun working together. I shared with them about some of the people the cards were addressed to: lifelong friends from elementary, junior high and high school; first, second and third cousins; co-workers; and people with whom we just like to stay in touch.

But I must admit, there were times I really could have lost it this afternoon! I mean

really

~ many of our friends will receive our Christmas picture with

finger smudges

all over it as the photos just did not seem to slide in the envelopes very easily for the boys. A few of the envelopes are badly wrinkled. Some people will receive cards with our return address

stamped upside-down

. And . . . let’s just say that Jack

now

knows

that the United States Post Office requires

ALL

postage to be in the top right hand corner – and

NO WHERE ELSE

on the envelope!

Yes, there were many times I really wanted to take over the tasks I had delegated to them. I could have made the Christmas cards more important than their feelings or self-esteem. I could have taken the joy right out of working together by needing everything to be

just so

.

But tucked away in my mind is the message found in a wonderful book by Anne Ortlund.  Back in 1977 as I awaited the birth of our first child

~ Kaitlyn, Kyle and Jack's mom, Amy ~

 I read Anne's book,

Children are Wet Cement

. Anne talks about how children are so impressionable ~ like wet cement. As parents ~ and grandparents ~ there is little doubt that we love and value each child. We visualize what we hope each one to become. Yet in the stress of the day, in our rush to accomplish all we think we must get done, in our desire to have everything turn out right, or with our pride on the line, we forget how moldable and vulnerable each child is. The words we use, the tones we add, those sighs we are so quick to express ~ all have the potential of leaving lasting impressions.

Yep ~ I was working with wet cement today.

Eager little hands that wanted to help me stuff, stamp and address my Christmas cards. The potential was there for me to turn the experience into something I never intended it to become. This time, I kept the mold in mind. This time, I did not rush the job. And I am proud to say, the permanent mark left on all of our hearts was love.

Two Dozen Red Roses

Thirty-six years ago today, November 10, 1973, I worked the afternoon shift at the JC Penney store in the Lakewood Mall.  To my surprise, when I arrived home from work there were TWO ~ not one, but

TWO DOZEN

red roses waiting for me.  The card enclosed with the flowers read:

Tonight is going to be very, very, very special!

Love, Tony

Tony and I have known each other most of our lives ~ my earliest memories of him go back to age five.  We grew up in the same southern California town, attended the same church and saw each other at children's meeting, social events and gatherings.  My dad was his third grade Sunday School teacher.  His mom was my sister's Sunday School teacher.  We knew each other for many years when we began dating in 1970.

After three years of dating, I knew that the roses ~ the

TWO DOZEN

red roses ~ meant only

one

thing: that night I would be asked to become Mrs. Tony Redfern!  He reserved a table at

The Gate of Spain

restaurant on the top floor of a building along the Santa Monica coastline.  He

paid

the maitre d'

for a window table.  After our meal, he pulled a handkerchief, with my engagement ring tied to it, from inside his coat pocket (he said he was so afraid of losing it)!  And he asked me

Will you marry me?

So tonight, like every November 10th over the last 36 years, Tony asked me out on a date!  It will be a tender time ~ maybe even tearful time ~ as we celebrate the decision we made to make a lifetime commitment to one another thirty-six years ago, and the faithfulness of God to carry us through the best of times and the worst of times.

Thanks for asking me ~ my answer is still

YES

!

I am so proud to be

Mrs. Tony Redfern!

I love you!

Please Don't Throw Up In My Car

I am going on a date with Tony tonight ~ just like I did 42 years ago today. We have gone out on a date every August 1st since our first date in 1970.

Growing up at the same church, Tony and I have known each other since we were young. But it was not until I was in high school that I began to wish Tony would ask me out. Since he graduated three years before me, I looked forward to the college group at our church because I knew Tony would be there. It was a wonderful surprise when he asked me out at our weekly volleyball games.

Our first date was somewhat of a

group

date ~ the college group was going to the Hollywood Bowl for a concert. I had not planned on going ~ until Tony asked if I would go with him!

Saturday night finally arrived. Tony picked me up in his

very cool white MGB-GT with leather interior

. We drove to the church where the college group was taking the church bus to Hollywood.

The weather was perfect for the outdoor concert and I was thrilled to be with Tony Redfern!

When the concert ended, we headed back to the parking area. I remember feeling funny ~ like I might be sick ~ so I turned to Tony, looked around for a restroom, and collapsed in his arms. Yep ~ real romantic-like, with my eyes rolled back in my head!

Don't even start laughing yet ~ it gets worse! With his date passed out in his arms, Tony very carefully laid me down on the sidewalk, right in the middle of the crowds of people walking to their cars. It didn't take long before I came to only to begin throwing up all over myself . . . in front of Tony and all those strangers!

A first aide nurse from the Hollywood Bowl came out to help move me over to some curbing where I continued to throw up. The nurse began asking Tony questions to determine what might be the matter with me. I will always remember one of her questions. She asked if I was pregnant, to which Tony answered, "No . . . I don't think so . . . are you?" Great! (The answer

was

NO.)

Needless to say, the ride home on a bus on the freeway was horrendous. When the bus parked back at the church, I threw up some more. When I finally stopped, Tony knew he needed to take me home in his 

very cool white MGB-GT with leather interior

. He opened the back of his

very cool white MGB-GT with leather interior

. He took out an old beach towel. He opened the car door for me and helped me sit down. He tucked one end of the towel into the edge of the dashboard by the windshield. He tucked the other end of the towel in the neckline of my blouse, under my chin. Then he said,

"Please don't throw up in my car."

Needless to say, he did not kiss me goodnight on our first date. And, I did not throw up in his car. It ended up that I had an inner ear infection and I was sick for weeks.

Thankfully, Tony did ask me out again . . . and again . . . and again.

So it is August 1st, again, and I look forward to going on a date with Tony

(especially after the

events

of the past 16 months)

. I am so thankful he did not

dump

me after such a horrible first date. I am thankful we still love to go out on dates after all these years together.

And I guarantee as we drive off tonight, he will say,

"Please don't throw up in my car."

Thirty Five Years

Thirty five years ago this weekend,

I married my best friend.

Can we really be

that old

-

to have been married for thirty five years?

As children I watched you play, never dreaming our two lives would someday become one.

And then, God placed you in my heart

and me in your heart, and on July 13, 1974

we began a journey as husband and wife -

best friends

-

trusting God to make known the path He had for us!

I remember a few years ago, you began telling me,

"You know we are living out the greatest love story ever!”

And I

boastfully

thought to myself,

“Wow! We must be pretty good at this marriage thing!”

Then you gently told me what you meant by this assertion.

God places such a high calling on marriage that He chose the greatest love story of all time to describe how a husband and wife should love and live together. How we live out our marriage

can show the world

His

greatest love –

wherein Christ laid down His life for His Bride, the Church.

Although

WE

have changed in our outward appearance as 35 years has left its mark on us, I can say that we are

still

living out the greatest love story of all time!

So in honor of our 35th Anniversary, I say thank you . . .

Thank you for promising to travel together as one,

to live out our lives together.

Thank you for holding my heart so tenderly,

in times of great joy and deep sorrow.

Thank you for listening to the voice of God

over the many voices of this world.

Thank you for willingly and faithfully providing

for our family along the way.

Thank you for being a godly leader for me,

and our children, to follow with confidence.

Thank you for teaching and modeling

the pathway to peace for our family.

Thank you for remaining my best friend.

After all these years,

I would say

yes

all over again!

I love you!

Happy Birthday to You, Tony!

Happy Birthday to my . . .

• best friend
• counselor
• companion
• supporter
• husband and love of my life, Tony Redfern!

First of all, I need to know, how did you get to be 60 years old so fast?

Wasn't it only yesterday . . .

. . . I watched in

disbelief

as you and Bobby Elliff, Mark Hanna and Glen Plowman messed around in the back row of Children's Church at Lakewood First Baptist?

. . . I saw you drive up to volleyball in your sporty white MGB-GT, with leather interior?

. . . You literally swept me off my feet (

quite another story

) on our first date at the Hollywood Bowl?

. . . You sent me 2 dozen red roses, paid for a window table at the Gate of Spain Restaurant on Santa Monica Bay to ask me to marry you?

But in reality, you

were

born in the first half of the last century, and that was six decades ago!

We have been together almost 40 years ~

4 years of dating at Biola,

and 35 years as husband and wife

this coming July.

We have enjoyed sunny times

and weathered many storms.

Happy 60th Birthday!

I love you.

I cannot imagine how my future would ever have been

so redeemed without you by my side.

Come and grow old with me . . . the best is yet to come.

Robert Browning

If you choose to love . . .

"If you choose to love, you choose to grief."

~

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Center for Loss

February, the month set aside for

those who love

, brings meaning to the quote above for me.

For in my 56 years of life, I chose to love - my parents, my husband, my children, pets, and many friends and extended family. And as the quote expresses, because I chose to love, I will also experience grief when those I love are gone.

February, with its brief 28 days, holds more sorrow for me than all the other months of the year. February marks the death of my mother, the death of my father, and the death of my only son, Scott. As this shortest month of the year approaches, and I see the many signs of

LOVE

displayed in the stores, I feel the weight of grief taking up residence in my heart as I anticipate the approaching days.

I visualize what I may be doing to mark these days. I think about how much I miss each one. I remember the times we shared and the love we experienced. And, perhaps most importantly, once again, no matter how painful, I will give myself permission to

feel

the grief and

mourn

my losses.

I think the words of Jesus are most fitting for these days of February.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

Jesus is saying, blessed are those who do not deny their grief or stuff their sorrows. Blessed are those who embrace the love, who acknowledge the loss, who express what is on the inside and who mourn.

As I studied for my certification in Death and Grief Studies with Dr. Wolfelt, I learned that grief is an emotion we feel on the inside. But mourning is the outward expression of our inner grief. As Dr. Wolfelt says,

"Mourning is grief gone public."

Yes, blessed are those who mourn, for they bring their pain to the outside. Blessed are those who mourn for they allow themselves to release their grief, to make room in their heart to remember the love once shared. Blessed are those who mourn, for you will receive the comfort of others.

And, I want to say, with February coming in a few short days, that if I had to do all over again, I would . . . and I do, choose to love.

Those who would have nothing to do with thorns

must never attempt to gather flowers.

~

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